An Old Man's Memories
by CyMpLi CoMpLeX
Summary: Dumbledore's thought backs on mistakes, fears and his students: Lupin, Sirius, James, Harry, Riddle. And the Mirror of Erised, he used to see a himself holding a pair of socks but what about now?


The door of the Headmaster's office flung open and Albus Dumbledore stepped onto the stone staircase that was continuously moving downwards (like an escalator). With a thud, the staircase stopped moving. Dumbledore stepped off the staircase and walked pass the stone gargoyle. He turned around to watch as the gargoyle sprung to life and leapt to block the staircase, which had now merged into a wall.  
  
He smiled. The stone gargoyle brought back memories. In fact the whole Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was full of his memories. It was those memories that bound him to the school for more than a third of his life.  
  
Remus Lupin, James Potter and Sirius Black had once got into the habit of charming his stone gargoyle into different abstract color themes every now and then. Once, they even added interesting butter fly wings and kitten ears to it. Of course, when his staff came to discuss certain matters with him, they received quite a bit of a shock.  
  
Dumbledore chuckled at the memory. Remus Lupin was one of his most special students, a werewolf. He remembered when he first met Remus. At the age of eleven, Remus was already extremely mature. He understood and knew more than children his age should. Yes, that was probably the effect the community's prejudice against werewolves. The first words Remus said to Dumbledore was impossible to forget.  
  
"Thankyou for the offer. I'd love to attend Hogwarts but can I ask for a favour, Professor Dumbledore?"  
  
"Yes, you may."  
  
"If I endanger anyone's life, kill me."  
  
Remus had said those words so politely and calmly. He even carried a smile on his face at that time. Whether it was because Remus was too naïve to take death seriously or because he understood it so well that it didn't worry him, Dumbledore did not know. But it was because of those words; Dumbledore knew he would never have the heart to do as he was requested even though he had promised that he would.  
  
Dumbledore closed his eyes and sighed. He was obviously glad that he was never given the chance the break his promise. Even though there were near catches, Dumbledore was never forced to take away the life of someone so innocent. Yes, Remus was a werewolf, a dark creature but he was just as human as every one else. And of course, Dumbledore highly relieved that Remus was still alive by the end of his seventh year.  
  
He could still remember so clearly. On Remus' last day of education at Hogwarts, Dumbledore found Remus waiting for him outside his office standing next to the orange-rose-patterned gargoyle with hot-pink pigeon wings and a bright-red-cherry-for a nose.  
  
"Professor Dumbledore!"  
  
"Ah, Remus," Dumbledore said, "What brings you here?"  
  
"Nothing in particular really. But - I would like to thank you for trusting me, and for everything you have done for me these seven years - that I will never be able to repay. No other Headmaster would have accepted a werewolf in Hogwarts."  
  
It was such moments that made his stay at Hogwarts worthy. For many years he had wondered, whether allowing Remus to attend Hogwarts was a right. And the way Remus thanked him had proved his decision - neither right nor wrong - but at least worth it.  
  
Professor McGonagall continuously expressed her queries on how a pleasant person, like Remus would befriend such troublemakers. But Dumbledore easily knew the answer to her question. Both Sirius and James had easily accepted Remus as a friend, knowing that he was a werewolf. They didn't care at all about what Remus was and only saw him for who he was. This was proven by the many times James and Sirius had stood up for Remus. It was only a coincidence that that Dumbledore happened to be in Professor McGonagall office at that time.  
  
"What, Mr Black," Professor McGonagall demanded, "made it necessary to put a Swelling Charm on Mr Snape in the middle of the corridor?"  
  
"He -" Sirius began, "insulted Remus"  
  
"In what way?"  
  
"He wanted to call Remus a half -" Sirius trailed off. "And if I didn't but the charm on him - well - you know -"  
  
It wasn't necessary for Sirius to finish his sentence for Dumbledore to understand. "Half-blood" wasn't a highly insulting word. What other word began with "half-"? None but "half-breed". And judging by the way Professor McGonagall paled, she understood too.  
  
Both Sirius and James were such loyal friends, however, they were still troublemakers, which lead to the reason why Dumbledore made Remus a prefect in his fifth year. Occasionally Remus would participate in rather minor pranks that did not do too much harm, but he never participated in the ones that caused too much humiliation or harm to others. Dumbledore remembered looking out of Hagrid's cabin window. He happened to be there in order to discuss the matter of Lord Voldemort's recruiting of the giants.  
  
That time, Severus happened to be hanging upside-down in the air. James was pointing his wand at him with Sirius standing beside him. And there was Remus, sitting in the shade, his eyes glued to a single point on his book. It seemed obvious to Dumbledore that Remus was inwardly debating with himself whether he should stop his two friends or pretend that he had not seen the scene before him.  
  
Dumbledore continued to watch the scene. He had faith that Remus would eventually step up to stop. But no, Remus continued to stare at his book.  
  
James opened his mouth and said, "Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"  
  
Take off Severus' pants? James had gone too far. Dumbledore made a motion towards to door but suddenly stopped in his tracks. Remus had finally stood up. He walked to where Sirius and James were standing, then placed a firm grip on Jame's right arm. But instead of "James, that's enough" what came out of Remus' mouth was, "I'm hungry, lets go to the kitchens."  
  
Both James and Sirius - though rather reluctantly - followed Remus towards the castle, leaving Severus to hang upside-down.  
  
Remus' feared that he would lose his friends. That Dumbledore easily understood. Werewolves didn't commonly have friends and talk about such loyal friends like Sirius and James. Which lead to the reason why Remus didn't dare to confront his friends. But luckily, the two of his friends finally matured and spent more time on their studies.  
  
At the end of their seventh-year, when Dumbledore had asked the three of them along with Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans and a few other top students to join The Order of the Phoenix in fighting against Voldemort, they had agreed to instantly, without the need of much persuasion.  
  
Voldemort, originally called Tom Riddle, was one of the most talented students the school ever had. Though he was only a half-blood, many heirs of pureblood families looked up to him, obeyed him and some were even eager to join the Dark Order. Voldemort loathed his father who gave him his surname. He father who was a muggleborn and he expressed his hatred on muggles or other muggle-born witches and wizards.  
  
Voldemort. Obsessed with his power. Obsessed with killing Harry, the boy who lived, the boy who led him to his first downfall and the boy who would eventually lead him to his second downfall. Harry Potter - the son of Lily and James - had once asked Dumbledore, what did he see in the Mirror of Erised? What did he see?  
  
"I see myself holding a pair of thick, woolen socks" was what he told Harry. Of course, he didn't lie. There was no reason to. But that was only what he saw the last time he looked in the mirror and that - was many years ago. And now? What does he see now when he looks in the mirror? The answer is none but Voldemort. Voldemort in as state worse than death.  
  
Voldemort had powers that Dumbledore himself will never have. Because he was noble? Can a Professor who sees his own student in a state worse than death be considered as "noble"? No, he was not at all nearly as noble as many people think he is. No. People only consider his fear of killing "noble" but that was cowardice. If he had only said the words "Avada Kedavra", if only he had the courage to say those two words many people like Lily and James would still be living and Harry would still have his parents. It was only two words, yet it had such powerful effects. Thought it was an unforgivable curse, it had the ability to save so many lives. And why didn't he use it? The reasons were simple. There were two of them. The first one was fear. Fear that if he used the curse for a first time he would use it for a second time. Fear that he would become a second Voldemort. The second was simply his hatred, which lead back the reason why Dumbledore wasn't noble. Yes, Avada Kedavra would be able to seize away the life of a person within matter of seconds, but did he really want Voldemort dead? No. The death of Voldemort simply wouldn't satisfy him.  
  
Dumbledore sat down at his seat in the Great Hall. There were three more days until the end of the term and the students who fought in the Department of Mysteries were finally out of the Infirmary. Looking over at the Griffindor table he saw Harry idly poking at his food, barely eating anything. An old man's mistake. There were just so many of them. There were countless mistakes that Dumbledore had made.  
  
He tried to keep Sirius alive, knowing that Sirius would do anything to make himself useful, knowing that Sirius was dying to do something for the Order, knowing that his approach to keep Sirius alive may not have been appropriate. He knew Sirius' personality considerably well, yet he insisted on keeping Sirius locked up in Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. Of course, if Sirius hadn't fallen through the veil, Harry wouldn't have gone off to chance Bellatrix Lestrange and probably Voldemort wouldn't have materialized in the Ministry. So probably, Sirius did do something useful for the Order. He helped save Harry and helped make the Ministry believe in the return of Voldemort but this wasn't quite the way Dumbledore wanted to use to persuade the Ministry.  
  
It was only a matter of time before Voldemort moved into the public and that time wasn't too far away. And this lead back to Dumbledore's other mistake. Occlumency. Severus was a highly reliable person, however, asking him to teach Harry Occlumency was just too much. Harry just looked too much like James. James Potter. Harry brought back too many Severus' of memories - many horrible ones that were impossible for him to forget. If Dumbledore had chosen to teach Harry Occlumency himself, Harry might have managed to master it more quickly and efficiently. And if Dumbledore had told Harry about what was lay in the Department of Mysteries, many things wouldn't have happened and Sirius needn't have died. But everything's too late now.  
  
Many, say that Dumbledore is an extremely wise man. But is how wise is he? Not very. Dumbledore himself is human and only human. A human who makes mistakes, a human who allows his emotions to take control over his actions. Dwelling on his mistakes won't help at all. There's nothing he could do now. Nothing, but to learn form his mistakes and try not to repeat them.  
  
After he finished his breakfast, he briefly nodded at Minerva and Severus, stood up, left the Great Hall and headed towards the Number Twelve Grimmauld Place where a meeting will be held in an hour. 


End file.
